let me say goodbye

she drops to her knees, shins scraping against the rough wood floor
her voice strains as she begs, 
hands fisted tight, hands slick with sweat
don’t take it from me,
she rasps, eyes burning from once shed tears
let me give it to you.

when she sits cross-legged on her stool,
she thinks about the trees
did the leaves shiver against the breeze?
did the bark cower away from the iron?
did the trunk wail without its arm?
or did it sing, unbalanced but free?

she daydreams about stepping forward to no rock,
about flying with no wings
she imagines the waves will sweep her up
methodically pulling at her locks
unscrewing her limbs
leaving nothing but her heart

she will smile, she decides
she will smile a goodbye
she will smile throughout it all

she is haunted by a sharp swing to her spine
surprise etched in her bones, eyebrows forever downturned
forehead forever wrinkled
she wakes up to her heart agonizing, revolting, stuttering
she wants not a rope or a knot or a belt
but a choice

she will scream, she decides
she will scream a prayer
she will scream throughout it all

she hopes to invite the end through her door
hand a china plate of burnt bread and butter, her favorite meal
she hopes to welcome the water with open arms
bid goodbye to her body and blood and float away, alone.